We all have very different types of relationships with our mothers, each based on numerous factors and experiences that have accumulated over the years. And, although you are not defined by your relationships – including the one you have with your mother – it may be helpful to remember that she is, and will always be, a part of your identity.

Therefore, if you have made the decision to try and work on your relationship with your mum, and strengthen the bond between you, then there are a few ways to open the doors to reconnecting.

Talk

This may sound a little obvious, but one of the top ways to connect with your mum is to talk to her.

We all have busy lives and deadlines to meet, but picking up the phone and making time to actually hear her voice is very important, and much more personal than a text or an email would be.

If you feel like you struggle to always know what to say, then start by asking her about her day and what she has been up to. You could tell her about your day, about something that happened at work, or if you have children, tell her about something that they have done or achieved this week. This should lead to further topics of conversation and soon it should feel a little easier to chat.

The more you do something, the easier it gets, and talking regularly with your mum will build a bond and even a friendship. Don’t just call once and feel that it’s enough, try to make it at least a weekly call, until it becomes a habit.

Talking regularly about everyday life will also make it easier if you ever need to discuss something more serious with her at some point or ask for advice about a particular situation.

Learn

Even though your mum was born in another generation she is not from another planet! We often make the mistake of forgetting that she is a human being, and has had many experiences throughout her life, just like we have.

With this in mind, it’s never too late to learn something new about your mum. From her favourite food to her greatest achievement, learning some facts about your mum will help you to feel instantly closer to her, and she will most likely really enjoy sharing this information with you. It’s possible that there will be some new things you will find out about your mum and her childhood/student years/career that will help you to feel like you know her all the better and boost your connection.

Taking time to show an interest in what she loves and doesn’t love might help you to find similarities between yourself and your mum, rather than just viewing her as a woman who gave birth to you years ago.

Forgive

It’s very common to hear people complain about how their parents are to blame for all the bad things that have happened in their lives, and how things might have turned out better in their lives if their childhood had been different. Maybe you think that your parents were too strict and demanding, or maybe you feel like they were neglectful and completely uninterested in you? It might be the case that your mum just wasn’t there for you in a way that you wanted them to be – perhaps like some of your other friends’ mums were.

Our view of our parents changes greatly from when we are kids to when we are adults. As we age and even have children ourselves, we realise the challenges of life can often skew the way we behave and influence decisions made in a certain moment or period. Kids are often messy, noisy, stubborn, and unreasonable, and once you mix this with other demands, such as careers, housework, meals, pick-ups, drop-offs, and other family obligations (as well as a parent’s own relationships and social lives!), it’s a lot to expect from a single person. After all, we are all just trying to survive, earn a living, find love and gain acceptance in society in some way or another.

If you’re an adult now and still in the stage of focusing on your parents’ flaws, it could be because what they did was really terrible and devastating resulting in deep trauma for you. Or, maybe it has more to do with you being stuck in a blame trap that hurts you more than it needs to. This is where forgiveness comes in.

Being empathetic towards your mum starts with putting yourself in her shoes. How does/did your dad treat her? How was she raised by her parents? Has she been able to fulfill all her dreams as well as bring you up? How have you treated her over the years? This exercise really helps you to see your mum in a new way and perhaps forgive certain decisions that she made years ago. It’s likely that she may have her own hurtful experiences that she is still healing from too, and you need to accept that she was probably always just trying her best.

Say thanks

Take some time to reflect on what your mum has done for you since you were a child. The sacrifices she has made, the money she has spent, the times she has invested in your wellbeing. There are, of course, cases when this might not be true, but it’s very likely that your mum will have done so many things for you without you even realising it. Decisions about your education, your health, your values – decisions that won’t have been easy to make and that might have made her anxious, sleep-deprived, and stressed out as a result.

You can say thank you in many ways, depending on how you feel it might be most appreciated and recognised. You could write a letter, arrange to meet up with your mum and tell her face to face or mention it during the times you speak to her on the phone.

With Mother’s Day coming up this weekend, why not make it a starting point to change the relationship you have with your mum and connect, or reconnect, with her on a deeper level. You might just see that the results of your efforts will not only better her life but could enrich your life so much more as well.