We know from job specifications and interviews that the ability to listen to others is one of the most important transferable skills that a person can possess. And, you may be one of those people who are exceptionally good at listening to client requests and employee dilemmas, which is great.

But, when it comes to your personal life, no matter how good you are at it in the office, you may find it hard to give your full attention to your partner, kids, siblings, friends, or parents when they need to talk to you. You might be keen to give your opinions, offer advice and add to the conversation, but sometimes, it’s the listening part that lacks, which is very often the most important part.

Active listening is a skill that we can all benefit from improving. By becoming a better listener, you can improve your relationships as well as learn to understand the experiences and perspectives of many other people.

Understanding active listening

Actively listening to someone is when you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words they are saying but also to understand the complete message they are trying to communicate to you.

In order to do this, you must give your full attention to the other person, without allowing yourself to become distracted by whatever else may be going on around you. It also means allowing them to speak until they are finished, without adding comments or forming counter-arguments simultaneously.

For some of us, active listening can be very difficult. Especially when we are feeling particularly stressed or busy ourselves. Our mind tends to wander easily, and our partner/friend/parent is certainly likely to notice if we become distracted, making them feel less able to carry on or to fully explain how they feel.

Keeping focussed as we listen

If you’re finding it particularly difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying, you could try a technique whereby you try repeating their words mentally as they say them. This will not only help to reinforce the content they are trying to tell you, but it will also help you to stay focused, without allowing your mind to flitter.

In order to offer assurance that you are actively listening, it also helps to let the other person know this is the case. You might know yourself, if you’ve ever been engaged in a conversation and wondered if the other person was actually listening to what you were saying, that it often feels like you’re talking to a brick wall, and this is something you want to avoid.

This assurance could be something as simple as a nod of your head or a simple “mmm.” or “I see”. You aren’t necessarily agreeing with the person, you are simply indicating that you are listening. Using eye contact and hand gestures to acknowledge you are listening can also help you to pay attention as well as give your speaker further assurance.

Learning to appreciate someone else’s perspective

I once read a great piece of advice in an article that really helps with trying to understand and appreciate someone else’s perspective and where they’re coming from. The article said to “imagine that you’re at one end of a shopping mall, for example, the northeast corner, by a cafe. Then, imagine that a friend of yours is at the opposite end of the mall, next to a toy store. And imagine that you’re telling that person how to get to where you are. Now, picture yourself saying, “To get to where I am, start in the northeast corner by a cafe.” That doesn’t make sense, does it? Because that’s where you are, not where the other person is!”

Basically, the article is saying that we often make the mistake of listening to someone based on the point at which we are right now, and not from where they are right now. Showing that you understand your friend’s worries, needs, limitations, fears, and concerns will demonstrate that you’re willing to connect with them and are really trying to understand their current situation. When you do this right, you’ll hear people say things like “you really get me!” or “you actually understand my perspective on this.”

Understanding the perspective of others brings in both compassion and empathy to relationships. When these two qualities are present in our interactions, then mutual respect and appreciation are formed.

Listening during arguments or confrontation

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, if someone is talking about a sensitive subject, or is saying something you don’t agree with, then a confrontation may occur. And once you start an argument, it’s likely you will begin interrupting each other to add in your own views – thus the active listening ceases. These heated exchanges often turn into a flurry of accusations, allegations, and rehashes of old arguments that happened years ago, but seem relevant again now. Such arguments are rarely beneficial to anyone.

 Instead, even in the case of a disagreement, a much better way to deal with the situation would be to actively listen to someone’s complete perspective, as we discussed above, and then respond by breaking their thoughts down into smaller chunks. This will allow you to digest their perspective, agree on certain points that you are okay with, and then move on to the parts you disagree on, explaining your reasoning why (hopefully while they listen to your views). This way, both of you will feel heard, no one will feel like their needs or views are being ignored, and you are more likely to come up with a solution to the disagreement in a more rational way.

You don’t need all the answers.

When it comes to listening and offering advice to a friend or family member, remember you’re not expected to be an expert on everything. Often, someone might simply want to vent about their day or let another human know how they are feeling. But being there for someone else, especially ongoing, can also be tough on your own mental health and energy levels. So be aware of how listening to someone else is affecting you and how you feel too.

Unless your friend is speaking to you because you have specific expertise, recognise that  sometimes you may need to refer them onto someone else, or even for professional help.

It’s just as helpful to assist your friend find good information, resources or contact details for support services that could help them better.